The things you think will make you happy won't

Hey there,

I need to tell you something uncomfortable.

Most of what you believe about happiness is probably wrong.

Not because you're stupid. But because your brain is actively lying to you.

It tells you that once you get that job, that salary, that car, that relationship—then you'll finally be happy.

But here's what 40 years of happiness research actually shows: you won't.

At least not for long.

And understanding why might be the most important thing you learn this year.

The Lottery Winner Problem

Imagine winning the lottery tomorrow. Millions of dollars. Financial freedom for life.

You'd be ecstatic, right? Euphoric. And surely, you'd stay that way. You'd never take it for granted. Every day you'd wake up grateful for that money.

Except you wouldn't.

Studies tracked actual lottery winners. And here's what they found: within months, they were back to the same happiness level they had before winning.

They adapted. The money became normal. The excitement faded.

This isn't just about money. It's about everything.

That promotion you're chasing. That body you're working toward. That life upgrade you think will finally make you feel complete.

Your brain will adapt to all of it. And you'll be right back where you started, searching for the next thing that will "finally" make you happy.

This is called hedonic adaptation. And it's the first of three psychological effects that determine your happiness without you even realizing it.

The 3 Psychological Effects Keeping You Stuck

1. Hedonic Adaptation - You Get Used to Everything

Your brain treats everything as temporary.

New car? Exciting for a week. Then it's just a car.

New apartment? Amazing for a month. Then it's just where you live.

Even major life changes—positive or negative—you adapt to faster than you think.

Studies show that people who become paralyzed in accidents return closer to their baseline happiness than anyone would predict. Not all the way back, but closer than seems possible.

The same adaptation that helps you survive tragedy also prevents you from staying happy about success.

Your brain's default is to return to baseline. Always.

2. Impact Bias - You Overestimate Everything

Students were asked to predict how they'd feel getting a grade higher or lower than expected.

Their predictions looked logical. Better grade = much happier. Worse grade = much sadder.

But when they actually got their grades? The emotional impact was way smaller than predicted.

We constantly overestimate how much future events will affect us. That job rejection won't destroy you. That achievement won't complete you.

Your brain exaggerates both the highs and lows. Reality is always more moderate.

3. Social Comparison - Everything Is Relative

Olympic medalists were studied. Who was happiest?

Gold, then silver, then bronze, right?

Wrong.

Bronze medalists were happier than silver medalists.

Why? Because the bronze medalist almost didn't medal at all. Their reference point was "I almost got nothing."

The silver medalist almost got gold. Their reference point was "I almost won."

Same Olympics. Different reference points. Different happiness levels.

Harvard students were asked: would you rather earn $50k while everyone else earns $25k, or earn $100k while everyone else earns $200k?

Over half chose the first option. They'd rather have less money, as long as they had more than others.

We're not wired to evaluate our lives objectively. We're wired to compare. And comparison makes us miserable.

Why We Chase the Wrong Things

These three effects combined create a trap.

You chase money, success, material things. You get them. You adapt. You compare. You're back to baseline.

So you chase more. Bigger numbers. Better things. The cycle continues.

Meanwhile, the things that actually create lasting happiness? You ignore them.

Because they don't give you that dopamine hit. They don't look impressive on Instagram. They don't feed your ego.

But they work.

What Actually Makes You Happy

Here's what 40 years of research consistently shows:

Relationships are everything.

The longest-running study on happiness found that quality relationships are the single biggest predictor of long-term wellbeing.

Not money. Not success. Not achievement.

The depth of your connections with other people.

One or two close friends beat a dozen surface-level acquaintances. Time with people who matter beats time optimizing your life alone.

Gratitude breaks hedonic adaptation.

When you actively practice gratitude, you force your brain to notice what you have instead of what you lack.

It sounds basic. But studies show people who keep gratitude journals sleep better, feel less anxious, experience stronger relationships, and report higher life satisfaction.

It's one of the few tools that actually counteracts your brain's tendency to adapt and take everything for granted.

Experiences beat possessions.

Material things trigger hedonic adaptation hard. You get used to them fast.

Experiences don't stay. They pass. So your brain can't adapt to them.

Plus, experiences are social. They create memories. They're harder to compare.

That's why spending money on a trip with friends makes you happier than spending the same money on a new gadget.

Helping others helps you.

Studies gave people money with instructions: spend it on yourself or spend it on someone else.

Those who spent it on others were significantly happier. Even in poor countries where the money meant more personally.

Being kind doesn't just help others. It makes you feel useful. Connected. Purposeful.

Purpose matters more than pleasure.

Happiness isn't just feeling good moment to moment. It's also about meaning.

Parents of newborns often report lower day-to-day happiness (because they're exhausted) but higher overall life satisfaction (because they have purpose).

A life chasing only pleasure ends up feeling empty. A life with purpose sustains you through hard times.

What This Means for You

Stop waiting for external things to make you happy.

That job. That income level. That achievement. They'll give you a temporary boost, then you'll adapt.

Instead, focus on what actually compounds:

Build real relationships. Not networks. Not followers. Real connections with people who matter.

Practice gratitude daily. It's the simplest counter to your brain's negativity bias.

Prioritize experiences over things. Memories last. Possessions fade into background noise.

Help people when you can. It makes you feel good and them feel supported. Win-win.

Find purpose beyond yourself. Whether it's family, work that matters, or contributing to something bigger.

These things don't give you the instant dopamine hit of a new purchase or achievement.

But they're what actually create lasting happiness.

The Uncomfortable Truth

Your baseline happiness level is more stable than you think.

External circumstances—money, success, possessions—barely move the needle long-term.

But that's actually good news.

Because it means you don't need to wait for perfect circumstances to be happy.

You can start building the things that actually matter right now. Today.

Not by achieving more. By appreciating more. By connecting more. By helping more. By living with more purpose.

Your brain will lie to you. It'll tell you that once you get X, then you'll be happy.

Don't believe it.

Build happiness from the inside out. Everything else is temporary.

Just one life. Don't waste it chasing things that don't actually work.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Hedonic adaptation means you get used to everything—good and bad

• Impact bias makes you overestimate how much events will affect you

• Social comparison is relative—you measure against others, not objective reality

• Money helps when you're poor, but beyond basic needs, it barely affects happiness

• Relationships are the #1 predictor of lasting happiness

• Gratitude is one of the few tools that breaks hedonic adaptation

• Experiences make you happier than possessions because you can't adapt to them

• Helping others makes you happier than spending on yourself

• Purpose matters more than moment-to-moment pleasure for life satisfaction

• Your baseline happiness is stable—external circumstances barely move it long-term

P.S. I spent years chasing the wrong things. Better numbers, more followers, more success. It helped, but not the way I thought it would. What actually changed my life was simpler: better relationships, daily gratitude, less time on social media, more purpose. The research is clear. The question is: will you believe it?

— Richard
Founder, Elevenstoic